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i really didnt want to go to sch today... i just feel it is going to be a bad day for me but everything has been well its only that i dont have a companion... my life used to be very colourful... frens are all around me... den there is my boyfriend also... there was a time that i wish i do not have to choose between my fren and my boyfriend... n now im left will no fren or boyfriend... haiz... i am all alone doing my work... feel so very pathetic of myself... i just wish just one fren to be by my side... haiz.. i guess its all predestined.... just have to adapt myself to it lor... n make full use of it.. hehehehe... cheer up ya ain... everything will be just fine.....
i feel like crying... i didnt not remember if i had send my assignment to my lecturer or not... haiz.. i have done it but i really cant remember if i send it or not... haiz...im going to die it that affects my marks..n this is one of the major subjects.... my bf had not send me mails... i forget to deliver my assignments.. i didnt finish my reports..and i havnet start studying... im going crazy... and im dead...
there is a picture in one of my entrees... somehow my gradmother saw this picture... u know what she say... 'asal ambil gambar mcm laki bini...' i was somehow elated... coz my wish is bring this relationship one step furture... into marriage life but... before that i need to achive wat i had ambition for in life.... hahaha... maybe 10 years down the road than i will get married.. insya-allah... i want to repay my parents kindness first... then start a family... i want to taste of working life before i get married coz after married i want to pay full attention to my family... hahaha.... what i will be working as? im not sure but there is two major occupation that aspires me... one is to be a scientis or a quality assuarance manager and another is police officer with the rank of an inspector... hahahaha... hard to achieve but with all the support i needed i will go far one day... insya-allah... i wish my loved ones also exel in their own working environment... one day we will get together n laugh it off at our past memories... especially during this teenage life...
i feel guilty for something that didnt do... its like i can prevent that from happening... and he ant be totally take the blame for... i just follow him where he wanted to go... i just want to spend quality time with him... maybe some ppl may think that we are selfish but we are not... i would put my family as my piority then anything else... n i know he would to... its just because of the moment of missing each other so much that we somehow forget other this in the world... n now im seriously dont feel to good.... haiz... i wish to write to him but this is only a small matter but i will not be at ease...haiz... i guess the best thing to just keep this things from him...
back to square one...
how am i going to pull myself out of the 'hole' again...
haiz...
- my darling-
i am very happy today but.... i was anxious like mad before i meet him... i was 'late' and this was the first time im meeting him after he set sail to rotterdam,holland... but he was even later... phew... hahahaha....i was very anxious.. no kidding... i was anxious as i am scared he will change... i anxious as i was scared that what happen to my past relationship will happen to my current relationship... i was so anxious that i wish to go home... but part of me is staying put... it didnt want to go.. it wants to see him.. the person im missing for the past 1 1/2 months... so i was walking back and forth waiting for his arrival... then i say this 'guy' smiling from ear to ear at me... it was like he was expecting to see me there... then the face is very familiar to me... and i was shoced.. it was him.. it was really him.. my boyfriend.... his physical looks have changed that i cant even recognised him when i first saw him... he is gorgeous... hahahaha... the person that im missing is standing right in front of me... i gave him a hug that i nvr want to let it go... he is all in the world that i wanted... i love u lotz FADHULI IYLIA.... but i guess my happiness is for a while only... tmr he will be sailing to china.. n he says it will only be for 8 days... i hope its true... coz any longer than that i dont think im tough enough to accept it....
i feel a little bit remorseful... im hating a person without knowing wats happening to him... im sorry on my part... i hope ur not so stress anymore coz u will be very mean u know... hehehe... n i hope wateva stress ur facing u will face it strongly... n i would like to say that u are really cute... hehehehehehe...
yeay... i had manage to finish one of my reports... with the help of my fren... thanks d.. thanks joe... without ur help i cant finish my report... den to day im going out with my sisters.... double yeay...i am goingto finish another assignment maybe 2 before i go out in the evening... ,aybe going out to eat ice-cream or widow shopping.. yeay... i have never felt so good for a long time.. all is well with my life... coz i choose to be positive... hehehehe.... im very hungry rite now... and its 1 am... goodness... im steaming my sui mai... wanted to eat maggi with eggs and prawn and two sticks of chilli padi... but im scared of getting fat.. dats y i steaming my sui mai... hahaahaha... yummmy...
i just wanna wish a fren of mine happy 1 yr anniversary with ur galfren.... dah setahun... i and ain still waiting our turns... hahahaha... may u have a happy ending...and ever lasting love lingers in the air...hehehehehe.... i wish u well and i hope u wish me well too yar.... kalau sampai ke jinjang pelamin jgn lupa jemput kite k...yeay....
aiyoh.... i very paiseh... i wanted to send amn email to my boyfriend i send it to all my adventure frens...haiz...so paiseh.... dunno if they understand wat i wrote... if tehy understand than i die liao... my mail is mushy-mushy..goodness how can i make such a mistake....crazy...hahahahahahaaha....
somehow i felt that i have been wasting my precious time last week that was meant for my reports and assignment on something that is not important..haiz...i slack ard like nobody business...wasnt afraid that i do not have sufficient time to finish it all...looks like i will be slogging my butts our these following days to finish up everything before my hubby reach s'pore..hahahaha...n i have to study for my test to coz i have at least 2/3 test in 1 week...hahaha...my reports and assignment cannot wait...it has to finish but sch reopens...any other things in the world can wait....hehehe...now have to focus...if not i surely die...
i hate so much for making me cry... !!!
i hate u for shouting at me...!!!
i hate u for making me feeling this way....!!!
i hate u.......!!!!!!!!!!!
i did not expect that it is happening to her again.. i tought she was ok... her old illness has gone....haiz....it hurts me to see her like dat...it hurts me she has to go for an operation even if its a small one...it hurts me when i see her cry...this is all because of friendship... haiz... i wish i could be her pillar of support... to go thru this without shedding anymore tears.... im hoping that she will get well soon...
it really feels like there is something changing between us.... now we hardly talks... i dont know if u notice or feel it but honestly i do feel it... i didnt know what went wrg... maybe it was me but maybe it was u... we are no like wat we use to be... whenever i had problems... the first one i seek is u... the first one i turn to is u.. the first one i ask for advise is u and the first one that hear me cry is u... what happen to us? why are we in this state? haiz... nvr knew it will be like this... nvr knew when i needed somebody to depend on wasnt u... is there something that i did wrg? or am i hurting u with my words without me knowing? i dunno... pls enlighten me... haiz...
somehow after hearing his voice all my problems seems to be gone like 'poof'! hahahaha...true but weird...basically...we clarify any doubts in our mind....thru email is basically not enough for me and him..hehehehe...with all the doubts cleared, welcome back a healthy relationship.... hehehe.. yeay... :D...
tadi kan my uncle ajak gi makan pat jalan kayu...hahaha...have u heard of the famous prata... yeap the small, delicious, soft prata... its damn nice man....hahaha....have a hard time making decision... should i go to the mosque or go eat prata... hahahaha... so i nvr regretted following my uncle... hehehehe...im going there again.. maybe im bringing my frens who have no try the prata there... yummmy delicious...muah.....
haiz...first n foremost im reliving back wat happened a few yrs ago...same senario but with different situation...haiz...nvr realyy expected it after wat happen a few days ago...reading back at my blog, about memories, there are three faces that i somewhat see in my head... all the guys that have been into my life before this....i dunno y but i think these sudden rememberance of past memories may have some meanings or telling me something will happen i the following days to come... out of the 3 faces i see in my head, 2 of them call/msg me soon after the 'memories' incident...i got a bad feeling bouat everything.....why this three faces? it maybe they left a big impact on me...a very big impact to be wat i am today...i nvr expect to have a long conversation coz their appearance spells trouble to me....haiz....talking to them just open up the book that i've kept at the back of my mind...they are my joy as well as my pain but the pain is unbearable...i have handle the first one fairly good even though i decided to avoid him for a while just to make sure i get hold of myself.... den the other person appear now...n i am cluless wat to do...but im sure by the end of the day i cant get over n done with like wat i did the first time...
i stumble upon my old diary...as i read page by page of the diary, i got me thing wat ever happens in ur life there are things to be learnt... n bare in mind the lesson that is taught... coz when same situation arrives apply same technique...hahahaha...i also laugh at what im doing that thime..when i read it now, i feel that i can react thru ohther means than what i have reacted back then..frm secondary sch, i have been a fickle minded regarding my relationship.... i had a boyfren but i do still think bout my crushes....i should hv been leraning that mistake of mine..causing me to end a relationship....i do not do anything behind their back but the tot of constant thinking makes me making decision without even considering my true feeling to either party...haiz...now stumbling on my diary has open my eyes... and it is something my current bf says.... past insident is a way for u learnt frm it.... not dwelling on it...wat past is past...it cannot be rewind and canot be undone... what i can only do it to apply wat learnt to the near future..the future that is awaiting for us...past makes use to be wat we are in the future....goodbye my old past....welcome my new future...
yesterday i talk to a fren...basically he knows loads of me but i knew little of him...somehow what he told me about me gets me thinking when i should be thinking...irony rite...but thats me...he told me that i am a senstivite gal...if somebody is to say something about me in a positive or negative way, it will get me thinking...i will wonder y im like this and like dat...issit true that this happen..all sorts of question will just pop out of my mind...i can be hurt with just a remark pass to me...that shows how sensitive i am...haiz...i really hate it when somebody nows to well of me but on the other hand...it like a waking up call of my own emotions and who i really am...haiz....how i wish i could go somewhere quiet...somewhere i could let everything go....go and leave me in peace....haiz...
i watched a movie on channel 8....i learnt something valuable frm it....some memories are best kept in our hearts then pursuing it...coz u will never know the person ur pursuing is not actually meant for u but the one who is always by ur side is....honestly most memories are hard to forget... or i choose not to forget... it is well kept in my heart.... n nvr want to think about it but once in a while it will appear when I least expected it.... it might hv turn out well but the mistake ive done is unforgivable...it was an old story ain...get over it....n just promise urself that this mistake will nvr happen again...ever... be contented with wat u have got... haiz...im more confused than i have been....one after another these memories comes back hunting me....those faces that i doesnt want it to appear now....appeared in my head....this loneliness have haunt me down....n i dont wish to give up.....not now....now ever..haiz.....
it will be 12 days and counting down to my boyfriend arrival...he will be back on 22 june and have to sail again on 23june...i nvr expect that he will be here longer...i tot i can only spend time with him for mere 8 hrs but now im glad i can spend time with him for 16-20 hrs...yeah...im so damn happy coz i miss him so so badly...i will be spending my time wisely with him...otay...muacks....!!!
issit my destiny that im hurt by the actions of my own frens? i really dunno ar... now i think ignorant is better than truth...everything just sux...it happens one after another...after 1 had resolve another surfaces... i need to come out of this shit.... i need to be strong... hack-care with frienships....y do i need to treasure a friendship when those ppl do not treasure it? i dunno y i cried for the freindship? its just not me...y all this has to happen when he is not here...im at my weakest right now... anything small can affect me greatly i wish my frens knew it but im not the person who would show my true emotions physically.....
