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Whole day long i was very anxious as i was wondering y he doesnt call/msg...i would nvr think he will be sick all i thought was that the ship must be somewhere in the sea where there is no networks... somehow i felt the uneasiness but didnt really know wats missing or wats happenining... just till the last min when i was already sleeping and was about going to bed i received a msg... somehow i knew its from him... n i was damn happy but when he told me he was sick im very worried for him... i think its bcoz of the weather but he is home sick n love sick i guess... hehehehe.. netherless he is still sick... n i cant do anything more than worry as if it will help but wat to do.. constantly thinking of his cute face when he sick.. hehehehe... i just love him... ive change quite a fair bit when im with him... its only that i really missing his presence before me.. n that will be my achille heels... he doesnt not make me a weak gal but i chooses to be one..
~strength is something that comes from within u not from external help~
Since everthing has changed, i see myself getting closer to the opposite gender than my own gender... didnt understand y but these guys had helped me up when i was down once... liz, omar and fiq... thanks to u guys that im getting back my lost strength... 2 of them is my bestfrens and the other is my ex boyfriend... whateva it is i can feel that the help they offfer is sincere... no motives involve as first of all we had lay the lines first... i will stay true to FADHULI IYLIA... and they personal is up to them to decide...
~step by step is needed to take to reach the path of sucesss~
What is exactly on my mind.. hmmm... what should i do after i graduate? since after the morning talk, this question keep popping out of my head... should i go to the university to further studies or should i start working in the industries... that is in petroleum... i know my chances of going to local uni is a bit slim considered im not a merit student... but im really interested in gaining experience from the industry... haiz... i wont be graduating soon but den again i will be graduating in 2007... there is so many possibilities... haiz... i can just get a degree and work in the police force or i can start it off from the industry... i dont want my parents to decide wat i should do... even though they really want me to step my foot in the uni.. i just want to choose my own path... and be proud in any line that i choose... even if i do not step my foot in the uni... haiz... i want to be 'somebody' and i dont want to be 'nobody'...
~exams is just round the corner and its scaring the shit out of me~
I received a long distance call early in the morning... i was still snoozing.. hehehehe... when i saw it was his call, i was happy... but the happiness was just for a while.. he called to tell me that when he reach s'pore next 2 weeks he cannot go on a shorelift... i was sad obviously but i didnt want to make it worse for him.. coz by the tone of his voice he was really devastated... too near but yet so far... i missed him so much.... i wanted to see him dearly but fate has its own sets of plan... :-(
~jus be strong for the sake of both of us~
Just wat the hell happen to me... i shouldnt be in the state im in....
To that somebody... stop appearing n my life and wanting me to think about the past coz what happen in the past will not happen again... it started as 'brother and sis' relationship... den from there, i know i like him alot... like him alot until we i had a few boyfriend i still like him... i dunno y but having him by my side means i am very happy gal... without knowing.. this like turns to love... but somehow when i confess about this love of mine me just take it that this nvr happens... i have asked him wat are his true feelings for me.. but he just said that we can nvr be more than bro n sis... i was truely devastated... when i wanted to have a serious relationship with my boyfriend S... he was the one who make it not happening... there are some darkest secrets that nobody knows except 4 my current bf including some of my close friends... i just want to say to him.... i regretted what had happen to us.. there is nothing to talk about it anymore! u noe y? its bcoz i lose S all thanks 2 u... i lose u bcoz of what happen.. i lose to many ppl that i love bcoz of all this... so pls.. i beg u.. i dont want to lose my current bf.. i love him dearly... so pls... get out of my life if u wish... dont ever come back...
Just reached hm frm johore.. wat can i say.. YUMMY... wahahahaha.. my father bring us to eat seafood stuff at a restaurant near the sea.. wah.. the scenery is significant... very the very the very nice... eat lots and lots of seafood... black pepper crab, butter prawns, babysquid, steam fish and 'bamboo'... yum-yum... its has been a long time since my father bring us eat there... somehow im still not full for the dinner... so i ask my dad to bring me go eat bbq stingray and bbq squid, rojak, satay and ABC (ice kacang)... but still im not that full... wahahahaha... wat a big stomach on a small body eh.. where do i keep my fats...i dunno... wahahahaha... but after going to good makan places... something bad happen at the johore custom... some mad freak just hit our car.. n he can still laugh about it... wat an evil person.. even though we hv the same religion its shows that not all ppl have a kind heart... may ur will be punished equally...amin
One word 4 it... WONDERFUL.... today after class i tot i can just slack at hm... sleep and maybe finishes my work... but i coincidentally met my aunt.. den she ask me to join her go to Kranji Secondary Scool... wahahahaha.... i tot its going to be boring as it was hot like mad and there were many ppl in weird costumes.. wahahhaha... i wished my sch had those stuff... but then its all too late... wahahahaha... all-in-all i really enjoyed it...
Yesterday i sat for my fragrance test, n i could tell u it was really suck... its the worst test i sat for.. n i know im going to fail eventhough i did study like hell... i feels like shit after the test was over.. cant actually concentrate during the next lesson.. n i feels like i wanna cry... but... i know all this is predestine... its not about me that im going to fail its all about the paper.. walau eh... im going to slap him if the exams will be out like this..... im so stressed that luckily in the evening i have my kickboxing class... its going to end though.. haiz... let all my stress out punching and kicking and stuff.. wahahahaha.. now im a fighter... hehehehehe.. dont mess with me if u dont want a blue black.. wahahahaha... today was slack but i need to start studying ade test on thurs n fri... wat its pphem.. pharmaceutical and pharmaceutical chemistry.. haiz.. i need to start mugging liao... exams is just ard the corner...
~thinking of u makes me lonely~
Letting him sail means i lost my pillar of strenth... my companion to study... my eyes while im crossing and my eating khaki.... somehow i feel that i lost so much just by not having him by my side... i know i need to be strong and brave to face this but the situation/environment just puts me back into that position... do u believe in karma? i think i do.. u know y? sometimes.. when u need something badly it just happen that those ppl are not ard for u... maybe i spent too much time on my bf that they need me but im just not there... at this point of time... saying sorry just wont help... all i need is action... haiz...
~the moment u sail, half of my soul sails too~
What a bad day to start for the week... while eating my breakfast at mac donalds, never expect it to happen... haiz.. the tea im suppose to drink just spill on my pants.. it was terrible... for goodness sake.. very paiseh... luckily there is roz to help me... if not i cry liao.. hahaha... wash my pants to get rid of the stickness.. den again... it is still wet.. haiz... tried to dry it off... but then again... its time consuming to dry it off... hahaha.. like mentos.. the freshmaker... we wet the whole pants... to make it looks like i was stuck in the rain.. hahahha... luckily got my lab coat and my 'telekung.. wear it... den take off my pants to dry it... heheheh.. abit 'tak sopan' but still i got other things to hink off... at least im not wearing anything wat... hahahaha.... but at least there is something good happening in the whole day at skool.. wahahahaha...
Somehow i feel kinda of weird.. like somethings is wrg.. my i dont know what... or maybe i just am anxious about my bf promising me to call today... for the whole day i was waiting for his call... but there was no calls from him.. i know i should not be paranoid but then again a promise is a promise... help me.. please.. anyone...
Yesterday, suprisingly i coincidentally met my boyfriend bestfriend and her husband.. how i envy them.. such a lovely coupled.. even though she was young when she married i can feel that it was a very peaceful marriage.. with both of the makes constant jokes i wonder if they have ever fought.. hahaha.. they really make my day... make me laugh in the train.. if my bf is here.. he will be joining in the laughter also.. how i miss him so much... wat they told me makes me wonder y i had doubts about my bf... haiz.. im sorry b.. to hv doubted u.. hehehehe... n yesterday i met 'him'.. 'he' was one of the ppl i wanted to avoid.. but too bad.. i guess we likes to kill the conversation.. hahaha.. goodbye den.. i hope i wont be seeing u in sch no more...
Everytime i came from my kickboxing class i will be dead tired.. my body aches likes mad.. wah.. cannot tahan... but the muscles are showing.. hahahaha... not so much though but still it exist... hahahah.... this week has been so slack.. i was planning to study for the whole week but than... as days passed by i still havent study... haiz.. i hope i wont regret it in the weeks to come... hehehehe.. i hv a problem... my bf will be back on the week before my exam or when the ship delays it will be on the exam weeks itself.. den how???? haiz.. im going to be preoccupied with all the stuff in the world.. haiz.. i wish my exams timetable will not be so close.. but evenly spread out... i love u fadhuli iylia...
To :Nurain Rahmat & Dayana Roslan...I just wished that one day we can sit down and chill at any cafes sitting down gossips and share our problems... maybe eating ice creams, cakes or even drink cofee is not a bad idea.. there are too many things that we have not done together.. as much as i miss the younger days.. i just wish that every weekend we meet up.. gi window shopping ke.. at least jumpe la.. i feel there is something missing in my life without my two bestfrens.. we only meet up only because of formal stuff.. hahaha.. can we meet up just to lepaz together? hmmm... i wonder.... the last time we really enjoy ourself was at sentosa.. perhaps we can also go there sometime.. haiz... i miss u guys alotz..------------------------------------------------------------------------
To :my sisters, Pethom, Timah & Bibah....
Last saturday was fun, thanks 4 the treat at haagen dazs... its been a long time since we had that kind of fun... pethom i know u kinda of sad with wat happen between us.. but it takes time for us to be like we used to... i hope next time we go out.. kite chill lagi mcm tu hari ye... n i hope the next trip will be a blast.. like we used to.. asyik ketawa aje... hehehehehe... i just miss u guys... now that too many problems appear in our life, it makes us drifted apart... i hope this friendship evethough short is going to be strg enough to overcome this....
Day by day goes by and we are dirfting a part..
everyone of us has our own problem that we doesnt wants to share..
maybe in fear that we could burden our frens with our prob or we just dont want to share as we know how to handle it our self...
in my case i usually confide in my frens but now..
i just want to solve it myself...
a fren had once told me...
frens cannot give u the solution to ur problem..
as i solve it for u..
its you who has to solve it urself...
frens are present only to leand u their listening ear..
thank you to my fren for waking me up in this matter and i really appreciate it...
Honestly, i had too many tiff with my friends... it more than just a misunderstanding.. but it all about different opinions... i have my own principle... and i will nvr change it for anyone else... somehow my type of person doesnt show that im very strong headed but then again.. there is so much my frens know about me... i just dont like to show all my true colours as its going to be ugly... but wat i show u guys is part of me and im not making it up... its just than u guys hv nvr seen the other half... n only some of u.. have seen it... n im sorry...
I know im not as tolerable as i used to... any small matters i cant tolerate but now... i guess i have become the opposite... i can say that i try to be strong not affected by what ppl think and persive of me.. thanks to the ppl that surrounding me.. u have made me wat i am now.. sometimes i just wish i can lash it out, how i really feels but it is going to hurt the other party... but lashing out can make me loose my frienship.. haiz... to my frens out there whom i truely care... just want to say that if u nvr give up on urself i will nvr give up on u...
Hmmm.. im suppose to be studying rite now.. for my test tmr but im here blogging.. something very disturbing happen to me... i got an email frm my bf but im not as happy like i used to... its just so-so... the feeling was neutral... im not having any changing of hearts but its just that reminding me about him just makes me sad... n i dont want the sadness to hunt me down again... i had a tough time getting over it and the best way should be immuning my feelings... no doubt i love him alots but i just wish to lay back... without any worries without any sadness... n want to focus on my studies... wat even going to happen in the future is not my doing but its all predestine...
i will be celebrating my 1 yr anniverasary alone in s'pore.. my bf is not here he has gone sailing to europe and will only be back on the 10th of August.. one day after national day... national day is one of our fondest memories... i still remember we watch the fireworks together as he hug me... hahahaha... im going to miss those days... i wonder wat he is doing now... is he fine.. has he read my mail? is he missing me? hahahah.. to many question but no ans.. i hope he called me tomorrow.. just to wish me... hehehehe..i missed him so much... i want him so much... pls... come back home soon ya...
i need a fren... not not just a fren but a companion... that can help me go thru this hard times... i need a companion to accompany me to places that i can seek peace and at the same time give me a shoulder to cry on when i let go everything that is my head all this while...i want a companion that does not tell me to do anything but just cry to let everything go... n makes jokes tak i can laugh... i dont ask for more than a company... i just feel that i wanna go to a quiet place... only me, my companion and the nature... i wish i would pick my self up after all that... i wish and wish...but i am not sure if it going to be coming true...
somehow today i feel so empty..i can feel the sadness wanted to go out.. hiaz... every single time i met him and has to say goodbye at the same time relly makes me go crazy... i hae to be clever in managing my sadness... i cant be like dis everytime he is sailing... i know i love him too dearly that i had some plans after both of us have moved to working life... it seems that my life is full of challenges... but i have faith.. if god permits we will be reunited one day... i love u lots fadhuli iylia.... muacks...
its been a while since i last update..im busy with test and everything else..haiz..i need to buck up..my marks are going down the drain all i need now is my boyfriend...he is the one who usually gives the support i needed. haiz...it going to be our 1 yr anniversary yet he is away on a trip to rotterdam..haiz..sometimes i wonder y do i have to choose this kinda of life...its like all my previous relationship...i dont want my current relationship ends like the end.. if it really ends, it will be a very painful for me...haiz...i wish he is always he by my side...i love him too much to even let him go...he is such a darling...i hope this relationship will go one n will end well..
